Letters to Camp, Part 1

Every summer Amy and Anna go to sleepaway camp at Mt. Gilead in the Pocono mountains of Pennsylvania. And every summer, without fail, Onil writes them the best letters ever. After years of laughing hysterically at these letters I finally decided to post them here to share them with you and to save them for posterity. He wrote three letters each. Sometimes he draws things and when I get into work I'll scan and post them here. Here are Amy's:

'Sup Amy?

Are you maxing and/or relaxing all day long? Any good Bible verses this year? Ooh! I hope you guys get parables!! Whenever you see the Lil' Lord, don't forget to remind her she has to poop at camp. For the both of you. If she doesn't poop you're BOTH grounded.

I'm writing this letter before we go to your Grammy's party in Virginia so I'm gonna do radio psychic. I predict you will poop your pants. I will have three pieces of cake, your mom will be all cranky by 12:15 and she will say chillax at least 37 times.

You should tell some sweet scary stories at the campfire. I just made that up. I invented it. Tell the one with the dudes hiding underneath cars with the slicing and the heels and screaming.

More radio psychic: I predict I will have to stop myself from slapping your cousin at least six times and your mom will have food in her ear this time.

I can't wait to watch Stepbrothers. It's gonna be so awesome! Better than Iron Man even.

Anyways. Enjoy the rest of camp. Always be alert. Keep your head on a swivel looking out for ganados. They're everywhere!!

Sincerely,

Jens Lekman

P.S. It's really me, Onil.

P.P.S. You smell!

*****

Dear scheiße kopf,

Are you having a killer time at camp? We're having the bestest time ever without you. We went mini-golfing and skydiving and bull riding and wrote our names on cement and spray painted Mighty Horse on the Wilbur building and had Rita's Water Ice every day this weekend. So much fun! Cuz you suck!

Did anything scary happen yet? Have you seen any Jersey devils or Nessie?

There's supposed to be a solar eclipse this weekend but it's not visible in the northeast. And it's all your fault. Cuz you suck?

Todd and Kitty both pooped on your bed. They were high-fiving and laughing the whole time. Todd also farted on your pillow.

We also went to Berlin and spray-painted "Amy eats!" on the Berlin wall and had our own personal Oktoberfest with the Chancellor and Megatron and Daniel Hood. Daniel Hood says you suck. And he's gonna name a dragon after me.

Also I bought Halo 3, beat the game and sold it and used the money to make 10,000 flyers with your face photoshopped on a monkey's butt and then passed it out at your youth group. Good times.

We miss you both. Hope you're having fun!

Sincerely,
O to the Nil

P.S. Jog on!

*****

What's up, Vanilla Face?

Can you believe it's camp time again? Time sure does fly when you're a buttbag. Your camp deserves a better class of buttbag. And you're gonna give it to them.

Are you enjoying the mandatory fun activities? Funtivities!! Are there sing-alongs? Maybe you can sing the Karate Kid song for everyone.

How are the horses this year? Maybe you can do some jumps. You can get like three feet of air if you try hard enough.

Do try to write to your mommy. She will cry like a fart face if you don't.

Remember the time you cracked everyone up with your purple feety pajamas? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Good times. Hold on, still laughing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh my sides.

Scout out the berries while you're there. I wanna know where all the good spots are as soon as I get there. Mmmmm.... berries.

Also I hate your fat cat. He has become the bane of my existence, my nemesis. He is a total jerk. He is the engine of chaos. Some fat cats just want to see the world burn.

Don't lose your Transformers towel or else we will destroy you. DESTROY!! >:(

Last of all. Don't forget to have a good time. Have a pleasant demeanor always. If you start to feel down, just ask yourself: Why so serious?

Your friend in Christ,
Onil_1

P.S. I believe in Amy Fartface.

*****

Here's a letter from me:

Dear Amy,

Hello from my air conditioned living room, where I am rocking out to sweet tunes and surfing the nets! It's as awesome as you're imagining. How about you? How many bug bites have you gotten? Are you rocking out to sweet tunes as well? Do you get to see cool videos?

I asked my good friend Thundercrackers if he would swing by and check on you this week. He said something about terrorism and then gave me the finger, so I guess he's not going to. That's what I get for asking a Decepticon. Maybe Bumblebee will do it.

Speaking of flipping people off, our friend in the PT Cruiser sends his regards.

Speaking of saying hi, Colin Meloy says hi and he wants you to know that he loves your mom. <3

I hope you're getting to be a corral-aide. I haven't talked to Shirley yet so I don't know. How many bracelets have you made for Onil?

We went to see Stepbrothers yesterday (you're not allowed to see it -- weiners) and then to Five Guys for dinner. Yes! It was awesome.

Sincerely,
[full signature]

P.S. I had to ask Onil if Thundercrackers was a Decepticon. Of course he knew. Because he's a NERD.

More catching up: The Franklin Institute

It's no secret we're all four of us a bunch of dorks. Amy and I, however, go above and beyond the other two in our dorkiness. Hence, our recent trip to The Franklin Institute in beautiful scenic Philadelphia for the exhibit titled, "Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination". We visited sans The Little Lord because she's a buttbag.

Basically, the exhibit had lots of Star Wars scale models, costumes and props tied together with the real world science principles that inspired the films' "science" principles. There was actually some interesting bits about the evolution of robots and artificial intelligence throughout the years. The exhibit was geared towards children so there lots of hands-on Mr. Wizard/Beakman's World type gadgets to play around with.

The movie costumes were actually very neat, as were the life sized replicas of some of the characters. It was interesting to see the details close-up.

All that is good and well but the real treat of the day for me and Amy was not the lightsabers and blasters behind a glass case. Nope. The best part of the day were the living breathing Storm Troopers courtesy of the 501st Legion. They had members of their group roaming around the place and taking pictures with anyone who asked. The funniest part was that more adults grown-up nerds than kids were asking for pictures. And not just the regular stand-next-to-you picture, the younger kids were happy with those. The hardcore older fans were asking the troopers to do all sorts of things like firing poses and pretending to be prisoners.

Amy and I (mostly Amy) had a field day posing with all the Storm Troopers and stray Jawas and Tusken raiders. The only one we missed was Boba Fett. We totally stalked him but he was off to his lunch break or something and wouldn't stop for pictures. Can't really blame the guy. I imagine he and Darth Vader would be the most mobbed of their group.

The highlight of the day was when Amy totally got groped by a Storm Trooper! She asked for a hug with her picture and the guy leaned in super super close and grabbed on extra tight. When it was my turn, the guy went back to his generic shoot-the-camera pose.

We also took the time to see some of the other sections of museum like the world famous giant heart you can walk through and the working locomotive.

It was a fun few hours on a Sunday afternoon.

Here is a Flicker set of the day.

2008 Summer Movie Post

We're a movie family. Actually, me... not so much, but everyone else really digs them. Despite my usual ambivalence towards movies, however, this season is shaping up to be the best summer for movies in a long time. Last year we were looking forward to Spider-Man 3 (BLEW), Pirates of the Carribean 3 (BLEW), Knocked Up (BLEW), Transformers (AWESOME) and Super-Bad (okay). We were sadly disappointed. Onil probably had a bunch of other dumb arty brainy movies that he was all jazzed up about, but I don't go for that crazy bullshit. I'm all about the blockbusters, baby.

To that end, I'm here to discuss the summer movies that I'm looking forward to this year.

IRON MAN - The first movie up promises to be the most AWESOME movie of the summer. Seriously, this thing looks like it's going to rock. We've been seeing the trailers for a while now and every new trailer that comes out adds another layer of munchy crunchy awesomeness. Robert Downey Jr. is just killing me -- based on what I've seen in the trailers he seems to be finding the perfect balance between being tongue-in-cheek and serious in his role as Tony Stark. Amy and I were discussing whether or not this was going to live up to the awesomeness that the trailers are promising, and she made a great point. She said that last year, with the Spider-Man 3 trailers, we just kept seeing the same fights over and over and the movie wound up blowing. We're getting no such vibe from Iron Man. Every new trailer just gets better and better. We really can't wait for this thing -- it's our big New York movie this year (also because it happens to open on Free Comic Book weekend, but it will still is a great movie to see in NYC). Favs better deliver! Most Anticipated Scene: ROBOTS KICKING EACH OTHERS' ASSES. The end.

KONKLES OF NONYA: PRINCE CASPIAN - The trailers have been looking good for this movie, too. We all liked the first Konkles movie so we're hoping this one similarly rocks. Most Anticipated Scene: Aslan waking up the wood nymphs and the water naiads and gods. Also excited about the promise of werewolves.

SPEED RACER - The best thing I can say so far is that I love how bright this thing is. I wasn't so sure about a live-action Speed Racer, but the one trailer I saw looked interesting. I'm not so sure if they'll be able to sustain the storyline -- it may wind up being bright and flashy and not much else. But Chim Chim looks so damn cute in his overalls! Most Anticipated Scene: You know it's going to come down to a race between Speed and RacerX at the end. Are we there yet?

INDIANA JONES AND THE QUEST FOR THE KINGDOM SKULL MADE OUT OF CRYSTAL OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT - Honestly, does this movie have the longest motherfucking title in the world or what? This is another one I hope lives up to its promise -- but I'm not so sure. Amy's not feeling it at all but that may have to do with the fact that Shia LeBeouf is in it and she can't stand him. Frankly, the addition of Shia LeBeouf is the only thing making it for me. Most Anticipated Scene: Onil's all giddy because the trailers have been showing Indy in a warehouse. He thinks it's a callback to the end of the first Indiana Jones movie.

HELLBOY 2 - Loved the first Hellboy, the second looks good, too. I love Pan's Labyrinth and Guillermo Del Toro is bringing his fantastic creatures back to Hellboy 2. I can hardly wait! Most Anticipated Scene: None in particular, although Amy and I were all excited to see the creature with eyes all over its wings. Straight outta Revelations, yo!

THE DARK KNIGHT - Whooo! Batman is back! And he's... well... doing stuff! YEAH! Actually, I've seen a couple of trailers for this and it looks interesting, but beyond Heath Ledger as the Joker, nothing really stands out to me. Still, though... BATMAN!!! WHOOO! Most Anticipated Scene: The first creepy scene with the Joker. Because you know it's going to be motherfucking creeeeeeepy.

STEP BROTHERS - Will Ferrell + John C. Reilly = comedy awesomeness. I don't care if there's one joke in this entire movie and they flog it to death -- I can't wait. Most Anticipated Scene: The one with Will Ferrell in his underwear and/or naked. Come on, you know there will be one. The man simply cannot keep his clothes on.

TROPIC THUNDER - I watched the trailer. When Ben Stiller showed up I thought: meh. When Jack Black showed up: Meh again. But when I realized that the black dude was none other than motherfucking Robert Downey Jr. in black face I was totally SOLD! It's hilarious! You have got to watch the trailer just to see it. He's doing the best black accent, but it's not even like the dudes you hear on the street or the subway. It's like he was forced to watch 70s blaxploitation movies for a week and he decided to totally rip off Shaft or something! It's just great. Seriously, this is Robert Downey Jr.'s year. How glad am I that he didn't die when he was a huge cokehead? Most Anticipated Scene: Any with Robert Downey Jr.

So that's it. Those are my most anticipated movies this year. There are a bunch of other movies we'll probably wind up seeing. Kung Fu Panda comes out on my birthday weekend and we need a movie for that (come on, it's got Ian McShane in it -- Al Swearengen himself!). Onil is excited about seeing The Hulk, but he's the only one. Amy hates the Hulk and I hate Edward Norton. He is also intrigued by Wanted, but unless I hear better buzz about it he may just have to wait for the dvd -- and the X Files movie and The Mummy are dvd movies as well. No one wants to see Sex & the City, Zohan or Get Smart (seriously, Steve Carrell, get a new agent). Anna will want to see The Happening (or, as Onil typoes it "The Hapopening") because she likes the M. Night movies, and I might want to see it too because Marky Mark was awesome enough in Boogie Nights to make up for any bad movies he might do until the year 2014. I was disappointed by Knocked Up and Super-Bad, so the Judd Apatow backlash is in effect enough to make me not want to see Sarah Marshall or Pineapple Express.

We'll be sure to regale you with reviews when we actually see these movies.