Letters to Camp, Part 1

Every summer Amy and Anna go to sleepaway camp at Mt. Gilead in the Pocono mountains of Pennsylvania. And every summer, without fail, Onil writes them the best letters ever. After years of laughing hysterically at these letters I finally decided to post them here to share them with you and to save them for posterity. He wrote three letters each. Sometimes he draws things and when I get into work I'll scan and post them here. Here are Amy's:

'Sup Amy?

Are you maxing and/or relaxing all day long? Any good Bible verses this year? Ooh! I hope you guys get parables!! Whenever you see the Lil' Lord, don't forget to remind her she has to poop at camp. For the both of you. If she doesn't poop you're BOTH grounded.

I'm writing this letter before we go to your Grammy's party in Virginia so I'm gonna do radio psychic. I predict you will poop your pants. I will have three pieces of cake, your mom will be all cranky by 12:15 and she will say chillax at least 37 times.

You should tell some sweet scary stories at the campfire. I just made that up. I invented it. Tell the one with the dudes hiding underneath cars with the slicing and the heels and screaming.

More radio psychic: I predict I will have to stop myself from slapping your cousin at least six times and your mom will have food in her ear this time.

I can't wait to watch Stepbrothers. It's gonna be so awesome! Better than Iron Man even.

Anyways. Enjoy the rest of camp. Always be alert. Keep your head on a swivel looking out for ganados. They're everywhere!!

Sincerely,

Jens Lekman

P.S. It's really me, Onil.

P.P.S. You smell!

*****

Dear scheiße kopf,

Are you having a killer time at camp? We're having the bestest time ever without you. We went mini-golfing and skydiving and bull riding and wrote our names on cement and spray painted Mighty Horse on the Wilbur building and had Rita's Water Ice every day this weekend. So much fun! Cuz you suck!

Did anything scary happen yet? Have you seen any Jersey devils or Nessie?

There's supposed to be a solar eclipse this weekend but it's not visible in the northeast. And it's all your fault. Cuz you suck?

Todd and Kitty both pooped on your bed. They were high-fiving and laughing the whole time. Todd also farted on your pillow.

We also went to Berlin and spray-painted "Amy eats!" on the Berlin wall and had our own personal Oktoberfest with the Chancellor and Megatron and Daniel Hood. Daniel Hood says you suck. And he's gonna name a dragon after me.

Also I bought Halo 3, beat the game and sold it and used the money to make 10,000 flyers with your face photoshopped on a monkey's butt and then passed it out at your youth group. Good times.

We miss you both. Hope you're having fun!

Sincerely,
O to the Nil

P.S. Jog on!

*****

What's up, Vanilla Face?

Can you believe it's camp time again? Time sure does fly when you're a buttbag. Your camp deserves a better class of buttbag. And you're gonna give it to them.

Are you enjoying the mandatory fun activities? Funtivities!! Are there sing-alongs? Maybe you can sing the Karate Kid song for everyone.

How are the horses this year? Maybe you can do some jumps. You can get like three feet of air if you try hard enough.

Do try to write to your mommy. She will cry like a fart face if you don't.

Remember the time you cracked everyone up with your purple feety pajamas? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Good times. Hold on, still laughing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh my sides.

Scout out the berries while you're there. I wanna know where all the good spots are as soon as I get there. Mmmmm.... berries.

Also I hate your fat cat. He has become the bane of my existence, my nemesis. He is a total jerk. He is the engine of chaos. Some fat cats just want to see the world burn.

Don't lose your Transformers towel or else we will destroy you. DESTROY!! >:(

Last of all. Don't forget to have a good time. Have a pleasant demeanor always. If you start to feel down, just ask yourself: Why so serious?

Your friend in Christ,
Onil_1

P.S. I believe in Amy Fartface.

*****

Here's a letter from me:

Dear Amy,

Hello from my air conditioned living room, where I am rocking out to sweet tunes and surfing the nets! It's as awesome as you're imagining. How about you? How many bug bites have you gotten? Are you rocking out to sweet tunes as well? Do you get to see cool videos?

I asked my good friend Thundercrackers if he would swing by and check on you this week. He said something about terrorism and then gave me the finger, so I guess he's not going to. That's what I get for asking a Decepticon. Maybe Bumblebee will do it.

Speaking of flipping people off, our friend in the PT Cruiser sends his regards.

Speaking of saying hi, Colin Meloy says hi and he wants you to know that he loves your mom. <3

I hope you're getting to be a corral-aide. I haven't talked to Shirley yet so I don't know. How many bracelets have you made for Onil?

We went to see Stepbrothers yesterday (you're not allowed to see it -- weiners) and then to Five Guys for dinner. Yes! It was awesome.

Sincerely,
[full signature]

P.S. I had to ask Onil if Thundercrackers was a Decepticon. Of course he knew. Because he's a NERD.